I guess I should start by saying that this post is in no way shape or form going to give you steps and tips on how to breastfeed. In fact, it will probably give you all the ways to NOT breast feed seeing as I am currently 0-2 in that department. I guess a better name for this post would probably be: How I failed at breastfeeding, again…
This post was originally a play by play of my breastfeeding experience, but I think I will just sum it up and say, it was hard. Really hard. Long long nights. I was sore, I bled. I even was lucky enough to experience mastitis which meant a fever of 103, night sweats every time the fever broke, and chills… Which meant at one point I had to nurse poor Sammie while I was literally shaking uncontrollably.
It was a long hard road and I was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It started hurting less and I thought, WOW, I can do this.
The truth hit me like a ton of bricks. At two weeks old my little Sammie was still losing weight.
It’s hard to describe how crushed I was to see that after all the time, effort, work, and pain I had put into this process, I was ultimately still failing. Failing to do (what I felt) was the ONE thing moms are put on this earth to do. Take care of my baby.
We made the switch to formula initially to make sure that it wasn’t Sammie who was having problems getting the nutrients he needed. Two days on formula and he gained ten ounces. So we decided to stick with formula.
The switch was really tough for me this time. More tough I think than with my first. I had my heart set on nursing and with every lost ounce, I felt more and more like a failure. To say I’m now completely ok with not breastfeeding would be a lie. I still think about it. I still cry about it.
Every time I make a bottle I’m reminded by the top of the formula container, Breast milk is the ideal feeding for babies, and I remember what I couldn’t do.
I am my own worst enemy. Everyone who knows me and who I’ve talked to about this has been really supportive. They don’t judge me and honestly don’t really care how I feed my baby. The only person who cares is me. I judge me.
In the past few weeks I’ve realized something though…